I sat down the other day to write this post. Put in a few words, then closed the browser. I do that alot. Anyone else? Anyway, I have not been able to get this out of my head. Then I read something just a minute ago that really summed these thoughts up for me. So I figured I may as well type it out and see where it goes.
It all started on my birthday back in December 2007. December was a hard month for me for alot of reasons. A year earlier, my mom had nearly died. I mean, was about to be pronounced dead. That close! And it was on my birthday. It was an unexpected, totally scary thing. But by the Grace of God, she made it through. We received our miracle. God is good! And we are lucky and so blessed. We know that--always did really. This was just a reminder. My mom has fully recovered and is doing so great. She has a new lease on life, that's for sure! But her sudden sickness and near death had really hit me hard. It took me a while to fully understand the impact this whole experience has had on me.
So last December, on my birthday, I was in Paris. My first trip to Paris. My first time in France. I was celebrating like crazy with my little family. Seeing all the places I had dreamed of seeing. Taking it all in. Happy as a can be. Feeling so blessed. So unbelievable blessed. To have my kids that I was told I would not be able to have. To be married to this amazing guy that provides so unbelievable for us and protects us and loves us so deeply. To be in this beautiful city, that I have loved since I was a child. To have all my family and friends back home in America, our homeland, praying for us and supporting us and loving us. I turned 35 and I had not been that happy in a long time. I was in such a different place than I had been the year before, the birthday before. Literally and figuratively!
For an entire year, I had been sad, really sad. Nearly depressed. On a daily basis, I was anxious and scared. Scared someone would get sick and die. Just like that. I did not really realize it until then on my 35th birthday. It had occurred to me on this day that for an entire year, I had not really felt Happy. Since my mom got sick. Since my husband called and said the company was sending us to Germany for a few years and we'd be leaving our family and friends and starting over in this, to me, foreign place. And then the move, gosh, the move. So far away from "home". Just crazy and hectic and stressful and just too much for me really. I was tired, sad, scared, home sick. Feeling alone, overwhelmed! Until my birthday. On this day, I slowly started to come out of my funk! I am not sure exactly why, but it felt good.
So since my birthday, I have been reflecting alot (probably too much at times!) and trying to figure out exactly what I want. Of course, asking these sorts of questions always opens that bag of worms, right. One day, I was talking to my sweet husband about all this. My best friend was sleeping (sucks being 6 hours ahead of EST!!). So I went to my other best friend and I was going on and on (like I am now) about all this stuff and how I feel and what 35 means to me and how I want to do this and do that. Then at some point, I was talking about the blog and how I wonder how people see "me" through it. I proceeded to call out all these adjectives to describe myself...how I would describe myself....happy, fun, kind, a total extravert, adventurous..... Extravert? Adventurous? he asked. I said yes! I am such an extravert! And I am so adventurous. I love trying new things. Taking risks! He laughed so hard. I was so ticked off. I thought "what is so funny!" He said "Sheree, you are not an extravert. And you are not that adventurous. You can be quite shy, a bit of a loner, and you definitely don't take risks!" I thought, is this guy on drugs? Where did my husband go? Me, shy? Well, I can be shy, in the beginning. But just a bit. A loner? Well, do LOVE to be alone in my sewing room, sewing the day away!lol I don't take risks? Hmm, gotta think on this one. Anyway, this led to a long discussion. Which ended in tears. I realized I was not the person I thought I was. Well, let me rephrase that. I was not being the person I wanted to be. I was on to something interesting here......whether I liked it or not.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was thinking doing laundry and thinking about some of the ladies I have learned about since getting into the blog world. I have seen so many people doing such great things. Really inspiring women. Too many to name. I am grateful that they blog. I have learned so much from the things they have shared. I was thinking to myself about one person in particular and thinking, Gosh she is really living my dream. And then I almost instantly had another thought. The words flashed into my head really as if someone outside of me was saying it. Such a strange feeling, but really one of those "lightbulb moments" as Oprah likes to say. The voice (my inner voice?) said to me "She is not living your dream. She is living her dream. Now why don't you start living yours?"
"She is not living YOUR dream. She is living HER dream. Now why don't YOU start living YOURS?"
Okay, is anyone else feeling this with me? Has anyone else ever had one of these moments. I swear I have tears in my eyes as I write this right now.
Then, I sat down this morning to read a bit in one of my favorite magazines---Good Housekeeping. And I was reading an interveiw they did with Glen Close in the August 2007 issue (page 59). She turned 60 and she looks amazing! And she gave a bit of advice that just really hit me. It echoed what I said above and I felt compelled to sit down here and just type this post.
The interviewer was asking Ms. Close what advice she would give to her younger self, given all she knows now. Her reply was, "Pay attention. Listen to your inner voice." She went on to say, "A lot of times what that inner voice tells you is not the easiest thing to do. But don't ovveride that voice, because that's who you really are."
There is power in those words, people. Power, I say. I read alot, and never have I read something that hit me soooo deeply. "Don't override that voice, because that's who you really are."!! I really needed to hear these words!!!
So now I am thinking alot about the so-called "inner voice". Wondering where has she been all this time? Has she been here waiting for me to shut up and just listen?
What I do know now is I am grateful I have discovered her. And hoping she'll hang out often. And I promise to listen to her.
Be good to yourselves! Listen to your inner voice. :)
P.S. I'll be back later to do the drawing for the shop. It is nearly 11 am where I am, but I know half of the world is still sleeping, so I'll wait a bit for those that were waiting to come in on Monday to check in.